Okay moms. I like moms. I’m a fan. I read a lot of mom blogs and I enjoy the community you guys have. I think the support you give each other is great. But there’s something that occurs regularly… something that bothers me. It doesn’t keep me awake at nights, but I’d put it up there as one of the more insulting things that happens to me with relative frequency. Consider this a public service announcement, because I truly believe that the women who do this think they’re being very complimentary and don’t realize how patronizing and condescending it appears. I’ll try and sum it up in one general rule that should keep you out of trouble:
Don’t compliment me for doing something simple that any mom would do.
What I mean is, consider what I’m doing. I am often approached by women (always women) who say things like, “I think it’s really great that you’re spending time feeding your baby.” Sure, that sounds like (and was clearly intended as) a sincere compliment. But it’s functionally the same as saying to me, “I think it’s great that you take personal hygiene so seriously.”
A typical encounter for my wife is, “She’s really cute. How old is she? Are you getting any rest?”
A typical encounter for me is, “You’re such a good dad for [insert literally anything here]. I think it’s just great.”
The test of whether it’s a backhanded insult or a true compliment is this: If I had a pair of ovaries, would you consider it worth mentioning? If not, then you’re probably insulting me without intending to. I’ll give you some real life examples (and yes, this happens to me at least once every single time I go out with the baby without my wife).
Shopping for groceries. I get complimented for shopping for groceries with Lily. If I have either or both of my other kids with me (which makes it even easier) I increase the likelihood of an unsolicited, backhanded compliment exponentially. At least once while rambling through the store, I will be approached by a woman who will tell me how I’m a great dad for… I don’t really even know. I’m pushing my baby through a store and… I guess I’m not yelling at her and… maybe I look willing to change her diaper if necessary? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not doing anything of note.
Feeding baby: This one kills me. The baby is hungry and I’m feeding her a bottle. It’s not rocket science. I mix the formula and stick it in her mouth. She’s really doing all the work. I just sit there, sip on my coffee or read other blogs on Google Reader and relax. After she’s done, I burp her, change the diaper if necessary and we’re off and running. Now, if I were able to breastfeed her, then I’d expect a compliment or two, cause that would be a neat trick.
Changing a diaper: Okay. The truth is, I don’t do this unless I have to. But sometimes I have to, and when I do, it’s not a huge deal. Sure, if there is anyone around who to do it for me, I’ll gladly defer diaper duty. However, complimenting for not leaving my baby in a dirty diaper isn’t really a compliment.
What kills me is that I LOVE it when women come up and gush about Lily. Tell me how cute my baby is and that she has my eyes. Please. I’ll lap it up like cream to a kitten. Tell me she’s adorable. Ask me how old she is, or whether she’s sleeping through the night. I’ll tell you all about it. Ask me if she’s my first and I’ll tell you about my other terrific kids, too. Just, please, stick to the baby.
